Mistakes...

A Month Back…

Things were not going in the line which he had thought off. He was not ready to accept the failure. He was apprehensive of admitting that the decision he took was a wrong one. He was carrying the burden of his distraught along with him. He had taught himself to be positive and keep hope that matters will settle for good, some or the other time. But somewhere down the heaps of thoughts, he was realising the mistake he had committed while taking the decision. In between, it emerged in front off his eyes in the form of a monster showing its dreaded teeth dripping blood wanting to engulf him completely. He was facing an intelligent cul-de-sac.

A Week Before…

He was on the verge of a nervous break down. Accepting the mistake will be almost like finishing himself totally. He was not sure whether to accept his fate or not. Facing world seemed to be the toughest task. He wanted prove a lot in life. He had planned a lot for that. Lots of hasty decisions were on its way. But now, the junction seems empty. No sign boards in front of him. He realised it’s his failure. Life seemed to take a U-turn abruptly, without even giving him a chance to renounce his decisions.

Yesterday…

He used to get pissed off with the horoscope messages his mobile service provider used to send him daily in the mornings. They never used to get late. Though hated like anything, off late, unlike the earlier days, he started to read them instead of deleting them on arrival. That was a free service his provider was offering. So never bother to unsubscribe it also. Like everyday he checked out the message which read, ‘Horoscope for Taurus: One mistake does not mean you have failed. Think about how much you can learn from this slip-up’. He kept his mobile aside. The whole day he was inside his room, closed.

Today, Present…

He is much more content today. The long lost smile is back on his face, unveiling every now and then. World, seems, a better place today.

Teary Hug's...

Jai and Janki waited there outside. Besides them was a well dressed man, with a moustache which had grey hairs here and there, a navy cut hair style which clearly showed the baldness, in his early fifties. He was not as calm as they were. His eyes were wandering here and there. The phenol smell, a typical hospital thing, was in the air. The air conditioning was doing its best part, but still, his forehead was filled with sweat drops and two rivulets of sweat were running down alongside his face.


They three looked towards the door impatiently, whenever someone opened the electronically locked door. In five minutes after their arrival many people passed through those iron doors. An old man seated in wheel chair was guided by the male nurse. Another old man in a moving bed assisted by few staff holding some fluid containing bottles was struggling to look who is waiting for him outside. An old lady with her son, maybe, came through that door. They rushed towards the general ward section of the hospital. Then came a lady in her thirties, dressed completely in a check gown and this flow was continuing.


Six eyes were waiting for the door to open and someone to call their name. Seconds were passing like centuries. Heartbeats were pounding like a bullet train. Thoughts were streaming wild. The every moment the door opened, their eyes read anxiety. The extra cool air from the ICU gushed out through the door when it opened. It tried hard to lessen the sweat that perpetuated on their face.


Jai stood in the same place, his hands inserted in his worn out jeans. Jiya, her hair plaited well, was supporting her body on Jai’s shoulders. Her one hand was firmly affixed to his. The other one carried a mobile, which was a source for her to check the minutes crawling.


“Anyone for Janvi”, the voice shrieked through their ears. They didn’t even wait for the fat lady, a nurse, to complete the sentence. “Yeah”, all three chorused. She led them through the narrow walk way, made them wear the special attire, sandals. The air conditioned breeze smelt anti-biotic. The moment they entered the highly sophisticated ‘Intensive Care Unit’ their heartbeats accelerated. Two beds away there she was, Janvi.


The charm which always used to spritz from the exuberant face had hidden somewhere. Dressed up wounds covered her face. Her eyes were filled with tears dripping down her cheeks and were apologising for her mistake she made. She never expected to meet with an accident in those slippery roads when, together with her friends, she made plans for an outing without informing her family.


Jai and Janki stood near to Janvi holding her hands. The man with them stood there, near the bed with his hands covering his mouth. His wide opened mouth was unable to utter anything. His shivering fingers tried hard to close his mouth, failing terribly. Eyes moistened in a jiffy.


“Sorry Dad”, was what all everyone over there heard before him breaking into tears. The sight of his daughter curled up with all kind of plastic tubes supplying required Saline and other supplies to her body, her watery eyes and her penitent words were enough for him to forgive her small mistake. When their eyes got entangled, the dam of emotions exploded. He stood there, crying like a baby.


Janki noticed; the staff were trying hard to control their tears. Who said, a mother loves their kids more. Who said, men don’t cry. She went near her father; hugged him tight. She felt the whole world embracing them.

Oh! How Are You Dear...(Fake Grin)!!

Getting bored is not some problem he is facing now. Off late he is not comfortable with this bane of his. After working with machines and laptops the whole day, after being among a group of only technical-stuff-talking old men in his company, he always felt he required a freaking out with his friends. Or maybe a nice outing with his family, lengthy talks on phone with his distant relatives can do to keep his boredom at bay.


But he was missing something. In this unknown city, he felt he had isolated from many. His friends are settled in various other cities, busy with their own daily chores.


He took the laptop from his office bag. While opening and switching on the laptop a stream of thoughts flitted through this mind. If this laptop was not there, if the music system he had installed in his apartment was not there, how would have been his life like? I am indebted to the technology invasion, he thought.


First thing he does after opening is to get connected to the internet world. He opened his mail. The networking site is kind of addiction to him. To know what his friends were up to, to get the latest reviews regarding the movies, to discuss all those political issues, to gather all business information’s and to be a part of small gossiping and backbiting. The inbox was flooded with mails. Most of them were official mails, a few from his yahoo groups. Before opening a mail from his friend he noticed a name.
Priya Joseph. A surprise smile flowered his face.


He couldn’t wait to open the mail. Priya, his cousin, settled in a town far away from his place, had mailed. He was happy to see her name. With a little apprehension, thinking how come she mailed all in a sudden, he opened the mail.


‘Danz,
Sorry for not responding to your repeated Gtalk buzz’.
He recalled how many times he had pinged her from his messenger. After her delivery, she was busy. Her daughter is a sweet little angel. Her brother had forwarded the photos, and once or twice she had passed pleasantries back through the chat box. He was very eager to talk to her to share his happiness for her.


‘Life is so busy with my little one and time flies away. Anyways, I am enjoying every moment of it’.
That is bound to happen, he thought. After waiting for five long years, prayers to make a deal with Gods and long procedures of medication finally she too was blessed with one. One small angel, to make the whole family brightened with joy. He couldn’t wait much to read the mail. His eyes dived into the pool of words in the mail.


‘Dad wanted a favour from you. Can you send downloaded songs of ‘Deshadanam’ movie? Let me know if u can. How is life there? How is your work going on? How is everyone else? Convey my regards to everyone. Rest in next. Take care...’
He felt dejected. Wild thoughts crossed his mind. She didn’t mention much about her newbie. He didn’t get the feel of love in her questions. So emotionless they were. It’s for the first time she had mailed him after the delivery. Before that also, she was out of reach. He had many a times consoled himself convincing that she will be busy with her first and longing pregnancy. But now, she could have shared much more. ‘I am expecting too much’, he thought. Everyone got their own business to mind. They are comfortable with their own spheres. But what he hates is this artificial love. He was doubtful why she had mailed all in a sudden. Though happy seeing her name in his inbox, down under his mind he doubted its purpose. At least the previous experiences are what made him think like that. And here, now today it turned out to be true. Why the hell people are so mean? Is it that we remember others when we want something? Why to fake all I-care-you-how-are-you attitudes?


He logged out from his mail. Not feeling to have dinner, he started some music on his laptop. But he couldn’t enjoy its melody. He was disturbed, it was better if she had not mailed him. At least he would have made up his mind that she was somehow busy with her kid.


It’s better to catch some sleep. He kept the laptop aside, hibernated. Danny slipped into the blanket. The only sound that was hearing was of the fan roaring aloud and the tic-tac of his alarm.

Vulture Stares...

Why the hell on earth they are staring at my sister, he thought.

It was her summer vacation. It’s after two years that she had come to her hometown. She was pretty much excited. The calm city was very beautiful than her current city, where all kind of pollution drains you out. Here the number of vehicles will be the same, but still, there is no hurry-burry on roads. She wanted to roam around. She wanted to enjoy the breeze of her city, enjoy the hustle-bustle of the city crowd, wanted to go to the local bakery and have pastries, enjoy the innocence of the people out there. And all these reasons were enough for him to take her out for a ride.

Parking the bike they decided to stroll through the pathways of the city. She was very happy to be back and it showed in her glowing eyes. The city seemed to be different. All in a sudden, he felt strange. He could sense more eyes prying on them. He started wondering. He felt the atmosphere fill with some particular kind of suffocating air. He looked around.

He saw many eyes following them. From those who were standing at the bus-stop they passed by, the shop keeper along the road side, the middle aged guy standing near a magazine shop, the group of youngsters gathered around the corner; everyone seemed to watch only them, but only them.

A flash! Suddenly he realised the reason for the extra attention. He saw it in the eyes of the shop keeper; he saw it in the eyes of the bespectacled uncle-type person standing with a cigarette, he saw it in the eyes of the rag picker; he saw it in the eyes of the bald headed ‘gentle man’ standing with his wife and he saw it in the college going students. He could sense the fetish air surrounding them.

He realised his little sister is a grown up woman. She is very attractive, enough to get everyone’s attention. But, she was well covered. She hasn’t left any chance for the voyeur to set his eyes upon. That was a quality she had imbibed from childhood. She takes care not to give any provocative steps while she is out. But still, he was disturbed; the stares of those strangers were unavoidable. Those stares of hunger were aiming at her. He felt like screaming, “What the bloody fcuk do you guys want? Don’t you have any such specimen at your home?"

He wanted to speed away from there. But the vultures were all around. Damn this world! Life is not all about woman and their flesh. Enjoy the beauty in a descent way. Everyone enjoys getting that attention. But, definitely not such a vulgar way is expected. And this was the first time he was ashamed to be called a 'Man'

Alarm..

She lie down there besides her phone meanwhile the clock alarmed her the time.
The mobile buzzed aloud, which eventually went into Snooze mode. She held the mobile in her hand. Though half sleepy, she was staring at the mobile with her half opened eyes. She felt as if her eyelids were glued to each other.


Five minutes passed by. The mobile buzzed again. She checked the screen. “Time to wake up”, the remainder read. She kept the phone on the table besides her bed.


Two seconds, the mobile buzzed again. It was a ring tone.
She took the mobile, this time with a smile on her lips.
“Good morning”, she said lazily, yet shying herself away.
Her eyes still closed, she came out the blanket and headed towards the bathroom


The mobile was sandwiched between her shoulder and her ears.
She is routine to that call of his.
Her Alarm!!


********************************************************


He stops the alarm in the time piece. He dozes off again. The mobile alarm cries. Cursing the time he checks the mobile. “Call her”, the message read. He gets the mobile and slips into the blanket. Lazily, he dials the speed dial number. Before the second ring someone answered from the other side. A sweet good morning came from the mobile. “Yeah, good morning honey. Get up and study for your exam”. In two minutes he hanged up the phone. And he never bothered to keep the mobile back. It was so comfortable to be inside a blanket, that too during these winter mornings.

The Alarm!!

Writers Dilemma...

He was frantically looking here and there.


The whole bedroom was messed up. His bed lay there messed. The pillows piled up. The Blankets were crumbled. Two magazines and a copy of "The Maximum City" were lying on the bed. He checked for it in between the pages. The table beside his bed was helplessly flooded with empty deodorant’s and perfume bottles. Some coins were lying here and there. Lots of hotel bills and petrol bills lie there; some visiting cards here and there. He checked all over again. He was demented with frustration when he couldn’t find the 'note' he had left yesterday night.


He checked the cupboard. His shirts were lying there unattended. T-shirts, pants, jeans, nightwear’s, underwear’s, socks, jackets, kerchief, caps, vests and what more..! He tossed everything in that cupboard with the hope of finding that piece of paper, even though he was sure it won’t be there. Closing the cupboard he looked here and there, all over the room. He checked under the pillows, he removed the bed only to find few Playboys’. He kept them safely on the table since he was in such a hunt for these, last time.


He tried to remember where he had kept the 'note'. It was from office he had got the idea, which he had noted down after almost two hours internet surfing, and had safely kept the piece of paper in his wallet. Wallet! Yeah wallet!! He rushed to the living room. He picked the wallet which was lying down among those DVD's he had rented yesterday. Alas! The wallet contained only a few currencies and a picture of Vaishno Devi, which his first girl friend had given in order to safeguard him from his rash driving. He stood there staring at the photo.


He tried hard to remember where it got misplaced. He very well remembered keeping the note in his wallet. Then there were no instances where he had taken his wallet out. With a hope of finding it somewhere he started his treasure hunt all over again. He went near his laptop, checked his laptop bag, went through all his files kept aside and even checked the pen holder. He was getting agitated. What a worthless guy I am, he thought. It was after a long time he managed to arrange something like that.


Suddenly he remembered, going to the DVD store. While returning the DVD ‘Ice Princess’, what a movie it was, he thought; he remember he had taken the wallet. While giving the cash he sensed something falling down. Damn! That was when the mobile buzzed. It was ‘her’ and he abruptly got engrossed on the talks.


There it was. He got ruffled. The efforts he had taken amidst the tight schedule, even though his manager had given him a deadline for the project status reporting, were lost. He tried to recall what he had written on that piece of paper.


He tried to glean a few words from the internet which could be used as a prompt. A Prompt! One prompt word, which can be a lead for him to write something on his blog.

That is what he wanted, to remove his writer’s block!!

You Ass H@le

“Hello”, he picked up the mobile and whispered lazily. His eyes were finding it hard to open wide. He haven’t had received the call and the mobile was still ringing. He tried hard this time and succeeded to open his eyes open half.


+12158822798


The number seems to be very familiar. One hard try and his eyes were wide open. The screen of his mobile read ‘Sam’. ‘Oh My God, they are having a party”, he got up from the bed. By the time he was about to receive the call, it got disconnected. He sat on the bed lazily staring at the mobile. It was 9 am showing on his clock. ‘So probably it will be around 8 pm over there’, he thought. Sam, Bouncer, Nischu and Iyer were to have a bash over this weekend at Las Vegas. He was expecting a call from US of A, anytime. Ah! Las Vegas, City of Beach, Booze, Babes and yeah, Gambling!!


“You are an Ass hole!! Mother #ucker!! Di@k Head!! Pi#p!! Pe@is Su@ker!!” Shout came out from the other end. ‘Holy Shit! What was that?’ He checked the number again. Yeah it read Sam only. “Hello Sam, How are you and what was all that?”


“You are an Ass hole!! Dog @ucker!! Di@k Head!! Pi#p!! Pu@*y Eater!! We are missing you a lots. Wish you are here.” Sam was screaming. He could easily make out Sam’s tongue slipping in between those swears. A smile bloomed over his face. “So enjoying out there”, he asked. “Yeah doggy, we are totally enjoying out here. We are already done with two bottles of ‘Teachers’. Bouncer and Iyer had gone to fetch two more from the nearby subway. And let me tell this gives you kick like an ass. Oh No! Like a horse. He could hear Sam having a belly laugh. He had never heard him so.


“Dude, don’t mind about all these things. Sam is already on his highest kick with lots of liquor and fun.” That was Nischay on phone. “Yeah man, I very well understand and enjoy too. Rather I was expecting such a call from you all when you guys will be sitting over there on the weekend with the company of some exotic liquor”, he quipped. He could hear Nischay chuckling. “Whatever it is Vinz, you should have been here. We would have more fun then. We miss your presence man! Atleast when we booze!” He could imagine a grin over Nischay’s face after that.


Ten minutes. With a promise of calling back once bouncer and iyer is back with the ‘stock’ Nischay hanged up the call. He could hear Sam singing and wishing him good byes. He was missing badly them, their company and the booze sessions with them. Never knowing when all those golden days will be back and expecting their call to come again, he entered the bathroom for a shower.


“Cheers!!!” He could hear them toasting their drinks.
“Cheers”, he said with a smirk.

The Unknown Girl

I was told she had been informed on the same day.


His mobile was with Govind, my cousin who was there in the hospital. Later Govind told me she used to give miss calls during those hours unaware of the situation. When everything was over and the frequency of her miss calls increased, Govind decided to convey the most difficult thing. The very moment her call came in, Govind picked up the call. She just asked for my brother. “He met with an accident on his way back from office to home. It’s disturbing and sad news”, Govind spit the truth.

He couldn’t hear anything from the other end. It was only a beep sound. She had disconnected the call. Govind didn’t know what to do. Govind was little relieved, even though in despair. At least he let her know about the tragedy, with lots of guts.

But he was wrong. The mobile got miss calls now and then. And that was from the very same number. No body had the courage to pick up the call. Even me!

Later in the night I just surfed through the mobile. I was just curious to know about his contacts. Among them saw her name. Her name featured in all his lists: missed, received and dialled lists. He never had mentioned about her to me. Slowly, there in deep of my minds, a frame was getting shaped of this unknown girl.

Who is she? I wondered, an old friend of my brother?

Maybe!

One thing is sure. She will be having a good relationship with him. Or else why would she give continuous missed calls even though she is aware of the brutal fact that had dawned into all of us. She might be his school mate. I doubt. He was very shy. He never was free while talking to his school friends who were girls. That is what I remember. Neither did he converse much with cousin sisters too. He was very reserved. And if it is from his class I should know her. There is only a little chance for this option.

She might be his colleague. There are chances. I don’t know any one of them. And the banking firm he got into is one of the leading firms in India. They got lots of fresh faces too. Someone from his office; I found this one to be most logical. But again its only four months he is into the firm. How can he develop such a deep relation with her in such a short span of time? Or actually he had?

My thoughts were diversifying. I was getting no clue.

Who is she? Was she just a friend? Or was she a girl friend of his? Someone he used to date with. Or someone, whom, one fine day he will show to me and say, “brother, this is the one.” Or some relation more than all these, which is beyond my understandings? Who knows?

The least thing I can do is to pray for her, to realise the fact that she too is bereaved.She once knew my brother, cared for him and loved him. That is what matters.

Let she find her peace, somehow!

You Have Got A Message !!

“You have got a message”




He jumped from his couch to check the mobile that was kept for charging. On the screen there was a new message awaiting symbol blinking at him, as if, someone was winking his eyes in a naughty manner. Passing on a smile he quickly opened his inbox.


‘Music on demand: 10000 songs, non-stop music! Dial………..’


It didn’t take him much time to throw that message in his trash box, and within a fraction of second his face turned into a shrivelled flower. He checked his inbox once again. His fingers immediately ran into the ‘sent’ folder and he checked all the messages he had sent to her. He verified the recipient number too and assured himself that he had not messed up with the right number.


She might be in roaming area and her ‘about-to-finish’ balance in her pre-paid account will be the reason for the delayed replies, he tried to make up his mind. More over she will be busy with her daily chores and office, he affirmed himself. But still deep inside somewhere he was missing her presence. He was missing her love. He was missing the long talks they used to have earlier. He missed the divinity of the sister-brother relationship they used to nurture.


*********************************************************************************


“She took a new connection few days ago”, his brother said on phone. Rest of the words bounced over his head. He muttered something in a jiffy and hung up the phone. He didn’t want to buy that statement. He felt dizzy. Why should he? Consoled him self. Even if she has got a new number she might have been too busy to message him and inform. She is new in the town and very to new to her phase of job-life. She might have missed to inform. That don’t mean she won’t be missing him. That don’t mean she might not be remembering him.


He smiled to himself. At times he over reacts. What if even she hasn’t messaged him? The relationship that had once developed is definitely going to die. The distance is hardly going to create a gap. He smiled to himself. He laughed at himself for his wild thoughts. It’s not all about messages and mails. Life is like that. You are too busy engaged in your own chores and life, hardly sparing you times to blink your mind for others. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. Expressing the love or not showing it doesn’t mean an absence of it. It’s only that it doesn’t show off much.
He took a deep breath. He felt happy for convincing himself.


***********************************************************************************


“You have got a message”


His face bloomed. In a flurry he took the car to the side track: Switched on the parking light. Took the mobile from his pocket and dived into the inbox. “ Your approximate unbilled usage as on 12-01-2008 is Rs.1451.75 INR(Excluding monthly roaming charges and discounts) The last day for bill payment is 18-01-2008 – Airtel”. He didn’t feel like deleting the message. He had lots of them by now. Closing his mobile he let the parking light off and put the first gear.


“She might be busy”, he thought.

Everything Together..!!

I was searching him. Just two minutes back only he was here.


It was very vivid that he cant bear the weight of grief that had grown up disproportionately since yesterday morning. I saw his mother crying out loudly taking his brothers name and calling him back. I saw his sisters sobbing in a corner. I saw his paternal aunties breaking down once the body was brought back from the hospital. I saw almost everyone shedding out tears for his brother. But he didn’t sprinkle even one drop of tear.
Yeah, his eyes had become watery. His eyes were so red as if it was a hot charcoal. What an irony! A red hot charcoal covered with a pool of tears. His whole face was swelled but he didn’t drop a tear. I could sense his feelings when I sat besides him near his brother’s corpse. I could see him staring at his brothers body lying there covered with garlands kept as a gesture of condolences, but he never cried. I could feel the presence of a dam of emotions and grief ready to explode due to the excess load its carrying.

There were his aunties, sisters, uncles, friends, brothers, neighbours lamenting and mourning. The whole atmosphere was filled with sounds of suffocating whispers and smell of tears that everyone had shed. Nothing affected him. Neither he looked at anyone nor did he utter anything. He completed all the last rights for his brother. He did everything so religiously so that his brother’s soul gets peace and a nice departure from this world.


All these came back to my thoughts. The whole day came back and flashbacked in my brain. I was still searching for him. I don’t know whether I was worried. I knew where he could be at this point of time. I send my cousin to find him over there. Two minutes passed. Five more minutes passed. He didn’t turn up. I panicked. Without informing anyone I went myself in search for them to that place. That place, where my both brothers used to have a puff of cigarette together, after the dinner. That place, where they used to talk about their friends, girls, used to argue about silly things, laugh on one-liner jokes and funny incidents. I strode towards that room with thousands of thoughts and worries over ruling my inner conscience.


The moment I neared that room I found my cousin sitting, giving a support to his chin with his hands. For a second my breath stopped. Then, gasping, I asked him what happened. He looked into my eyes. I could see nothing but sadness in his eyes. Through gestures he asked me not to utter a single word and showed me the way to the room. The same room where I expected my brother would be present.


I peeped into the room slowly. There he was lying down his eyes closed, but in a position staring at something. I advanced more and found the most emotional scene I had ever seen ever in my life. He was holding a photo frame in which they both were sitting and smiling. And another one of their school times was kept close to his heart and covered with his hand. I lost all the strength. Oh God, what an examination? I could feel my body melting. I know how much I try I cant replace the loss that’s happened to him.




He lost his twin brother with whom he shared a womb for nine months, quarrelled and cried for the breast milk his mother would share, with whom he came to this world for the first time, with whom he had done all those home works while studying , with whom he had played cricket, with whom he had mischievously stolen the sweets his mother had kept safe, with whom he had shared his first crush, with whom he had competed for marks in progress reports, with whom he had fought for the television programme he wanted to watch, with whom he tried the taste of cigarette and coughed the hell out of his heart, with whom he had the experience of having chilled beer for the first time, with whom he had shared his career agonies, with whom he had confided many and many things.


The truth was stinking. The fact was bruising me like a ferocious predator pawing on his prey. I was bleeding internally. After a moment, silently came out the room.


Later when we were on bed, I stared at him. I felt he wanted to share a lot with someone. And I was lying down there helplessly.


I just hugged him, hugged him very tightly. He was deep asleep. I closed my eyes. And my hands were tight on him.